How My Suffering Became a Gateway to Deeper Levels of Consciousness

A few weeks before moving from Canada to a secluded home in the Mexican jungle, I convinced myself that the jungle would surely change me. A beautiful rock-walled sanctuary sat at the end of a dirt road, nestled amongst the tropical trees and home to many (lovely) creatures was the answer I’d been looking for. A way to disconnect from the chaos of the city and a place to rest my feet. The perfect concoction for my mind to relax and my consciousness to expand,

Or so I thought…

While this new home in nature created opportunities for me to change in ways that staying in the city wouldn’t, I was soon to discover that a high degree of active participation was required on my end to make this transition a success. Accessing deeper levels of consciousness proved to be a rather challenging process that would push me to the outer edges of my comfort in more ways than one. A deep transformation from within would soon be the key to unlocking and activating the incredible opportunity that was now available for me in my new home,

It got worse before it got better.

It didn’t matter how beautiful paradise was if I was not open to it. Even when the sunrise shined on the treetops, the birds sang symphonies, rainfall kissed the leaves, and the hummingbirds hovered at the front door, all the richness quickly dissipated if my heart was closed. Noticing the complex aliveness of Gaia made no imprint on my mind when my senses were dull, and my mind was busy.

Surprisingly, the beauty of this place made the process even more challenging.

I questioned how it was possible that I could still feel disconnected when I’m surrounded by such beauty. I could sit there in paradise with my head buried in my phone endlessly scrolling through stories of those who also live much of their lives on a digital screen hidden behind a username and a fictitious display of happiness. Or I could simply put the phone down and be in the reality that I was presently in.

Easy decision, right? I thought so, but when faced with the choice, my intellect was quick to encourage me back into comfort. The comfort of my distractions, that is.

I grappled with this for months, unable to figure out why it was so hard for me to just put my phone down and just be satisfied with quiet simplicity.

Later it became evident that the phone itself wasn’t the problem, it was what came after. It’s like turning the music down so I can hear the person talking to me, but now the person talking to me is myself. In this place of quietness, there was a fear that bubbled to the surface because I’d become a stranger to a particular voice inside my head. Although I have many voices, some are friendlier than others.

I’ve learned that the path of self-realization is a process of meeting each one of these strangers (and new attendees that make an appearance along the way), allowing them each to have a seat at the table. A common understanding is required amongst those at the table, each voice deserving the mic at some point or another, and the respect to have their opinions heard and understood. Some voices may be naturally louder than others, but the purpose is to recognize each voice for their unique expression whilst becoming the filter that decides how the voices sing their song to the external world.

On the journey of discovering who I am as an adult (whatever that means), I usually find my way back to development in childhood. No surprise here. You can probably anticipate that childhood played a key role in the development of a long-standing hierarchy amongst the voices in my head.

It’s important to note that this hierarchy was intelligently created by my mind for my own protection, but for the sake of development, it requires an update every so often.

In my case, the hierarchy didn’t get updated when it should have, and there was quite an imbalance and ongoing tug-of-war between voices.

Earlier I mentioned that the jungle provided opportunities for me to change that required my active participation, and here’s why. The shift in my physical environment put pressure on the voices in my head to reshuffle duties in a way that would optimize my new experience. I must clarify that the purpose of moving to the jungle and immersing myself in nature was to activate my creative inspiration and reconnect with my intuition, both of which are feminine energetic qualities. In other words, the jungle was an exceptional fit for many of my feminine dominant voices (energetically speaking) which required the masculine dominant voices to take a back seat and relax. The masculine dominant voices are still necessary for my optimization, but as I embarked on this new journey, I had to re-calibrate my inner world with my outer world to experience greater levels of depth and synergy.

It became clear to me that I was inefficient at adapting and recalibrating the voices in my head for my own optimization. For many months I was operating from a masculine dominant frequency that was conflicting with the natural rhythm of my surroundings and my intention of experiencing nature.

My heart was in the right place, but I couldn’t get my mind to let go of an older way of operating.

It was as if my mind refused to update the settings, and the system started to slow down and glitch. The glitch expressed itself in anxiety, neck stiffness, irritation, a busy mind, and fatigue. It seemed that the pain was my body’s intelligent way of communicating that there was something I was avoiding.

It became so intense, that I had no choice but to retreat inwards and surrender to it.

Through deep contemplation and reflection, I realized that the moments of pain or tenseness occurred when I was operating from my masculine frequency. The feminine voices were screaming, “let us out, it’s our turn.” They were waiting for an opportunity at the table, whilst the masculine voices had to be supported in their dismissal. Easier said than done. It’s like convincing a part of you that their work at this time of the project is not required in the capacity it was before. Although they remain at the table, they are being asked to quiet their voice because someone else’s expertise is needed at this time. To a voice inside the head, this means death.

In the stillness and opening of my heart I was faced with a form of death in my masculine voices, and the birth of my feminine. A foreign, uncomfortable place to be, but soon to be my new home (until the next update is required).

This new home finally feels at peace. I thank my intuition for knowing before my mind did, that this secluded place in the jungle would challenge me to internally adapt and change in ways that I couldn’t have anticipated. I thank nature for waiting patiently for me to open my eyes and experience her for the first time with acceptance and presence.

What happens when we choose to listen to the voices in our head?

Maybe, the tug-of-war ceases, the voices stop yelling and a subtle flow begins to emerge at the table as they all start to sing and dance.

You see, this story is not only about me but all of us.

We live in a dynamic Universe that is constantly evolving, and as children of the Universe, it’s inevitable that we must change too. We will be encouraged many times along the way to update our system, and each time it will feel challenging. Instead of resisting the challenge, think of the challenge as an opportunity and lesson to discover more of who you are and expand your consciousness so you may experience greater levels of joy in life.

The Universe is waiting for you to say yes to yourself.

Remember that what makes you, you, is not a single voice at the table but the song that plays when each voice is in sync. Allow the symphony to play loudly, as it shares the unfolding of your story, one note at a time.